Breaking Up With Public School And Finding A School That Fits

Dear Traditional Public School,

*It’s been a few years since we took our break from each other. I know we talked about getting back together, maybe when the kids were in middle school or high school. But, I don’t think that’s what’s best for me anymore. *

*When we were away from each other, I started seeing other schools. We’ve tried homeschool, private schools, dual enrollment, and a slew of other in-betweens. Each aligned so much more to my values than you ever did or could with your current model. While I may not have found the right and final school for my kids, I have found that it will probably never be you. *

*At the end of the day, you’re the problem. It’s you. *

*Sincerely, *

An Empowered Mom

via GIPHY

Finding the right fit for a twice-exceptional student can feel like ordering clothes from Wish. Everything looks really good online, but then never fits in all the right places. They may have a great program for reading, but it comes at the cost of child autonomy. They may have a great gifted program, but they leverage behaviorism or disregard disability or differences. Or, it could all seem perfect, but it just doesn’t work for you or your family. For these reasons, many 2e students tend to experience more school changes than their neurotypical counterparts.

We lived this experience with my oldest child experiences 8 school changes by the age of 14. Only one of these experiences was because we moved locations. All of the others were due to either the school or us as a family recognizing a poor fit. Beyond the school change due to our relocation, my child was happier and more empowered after each school change.

Here are a few things I’ve picked up as we’ve made school decisions.

1. School choices can be for a season. This was one of the hardest social scripts I had to unlearn. I spent my k-12 years in a small town with one school system and a lack of other school choices. I graduated with 65 other students, and most were the same kids I went to kindergarten with. I imagined that my kids would be the same. They would make a core group of friends, and I would be friends with their parents. We would all grow up together.

This isn’t how it worked out. Instead, we make a school decision every year and explore multiple, alternative learning paths. We have found some amazing school options that we thought would be “the one.” These often work really well, but then my kids have grown out of them. I will never forget when my oldest in 6th grade told me he needed a better math teacher – I was homeschooling him. So, off we went trying to find a program for a radically accelerated learner.

Our kids are bursty – they grow and change in leaps and bounds, and then seem to stay in a single place. These bursts can mean that they grow out of whatever wonderful and lovely thing was being provided in their school. It’s ok to honor the need to change and grow for your kids, while also honoring the fact that this growth can be bittersweet.

2. **It’s ok to end a school experience early. **School choices often affect the whole family. Long commutes, costly tuitions, or even familial chaos caused by dysregulation are all reasons that some school experiences should end. [School-based trauma](https://mhanational.org/how-trauma-impacts-school-performance#:~:text=School%2Drelated%20trauma%20(like%20bullying,and%20engaged%20in%20their%20learning.) can have long lasting effects on children and families. We often have a compulsion in the US to “finish what we start,” and while this can be good in developing rigor, it can be painful when it requires us to stay in traumatic environments or even environments that don’t allow us to grow.

For those of you who need to hear it, I am giving you permission to make a change. If you always wanted your child to go to this specific school, but you know in your heart that it’s not working, it’s ok to take your child out. It’s ok to leave money on the table if you have to because your child’s mental health needs more attention. It’s ok to put your child back in public school because homeschooling was a disaster. It’s ok to do what is best for your family, even if it doesn’t look like what everyone else is doing.

3. Sometimes, you just have to make the best of it. My family has broken up with traditional public school, but that doesn’t mean that it can’t work for your family, or for many other families. My last bit of advice is that sometimes, you just have to do the best you can. This may mean public school with a ton of advocating for your child, or filling the afternoon and evenings with enrichment program like YSA classes (shameless plug!). This may mean that you homeschool in the evenings while you work during the day. This may mean going to a great private school and providing additional mental and emotional health on the side.

Our learners have unique needs, and sometimes even the best school environment is not a perfect fit. I have definitely had to cajole my children into lasting another month, week, session, etc in a program that we started. Sometimes, these programs are the best options I can find, and if they miss out, then they lose valuable social connections. I also hate paying for a program that my children end up disliking or not going, but sometimes I have to remember Rule #2, and end it early.

We are all just doing the best we can, and no school experience is the best for everyone. I have found that with 3 twice-exceptional children, even the school that fits for one child doesn’t fit for the others. So, we just balance as best we can the needs of our kids with the needs of our family, and we modify it accordingly.

If you’re looking for an empowering place that you won’t ever want to break up with, check out our Summer Camps here!